Well, here I am, laying on the living room floor of my new apartment in the west end of Hartford. I'm so damn lonely I can't believe it. There just isn't any way out! It'll be great to see friends again and there company will improve things dramatically for me, but they are not family. and its so typical of me to miss my family after feeling so miserable and angry around them. I felt like my character was being eroded and I was forgetting right from wrong, couldn't tell up from down, and simply felt so confused and angry I didn't know what to do with myself. I'd be foolish to think these feelings were untrue and that I didn't have my reasons for feeling the way I did. It's just now I miss them. I wish I had more quality time with them. Just siting in the same room doesn't mean your together. Its just so heavy at home. I am exhausted of it and yet here I am missing Virginia so bad. Yesterday I felt relieved by the cool new england air. It brought back memories of my feet dipped in the cold water from the dock on Bradley brook and them sliping and sliding on the moss covered rocks as I splashed with my cousins. I could remember the Hacienda (a cabin built by and until a few years ago owned by my family) and the worms that came up out of the soil in Canastoda when it rained. I remember Grandpa Bun and the Fisher farm. I miss all of that. Now I also miss the big dry bleached rocks along the James River. I miss the swampy air and how I don't feel quite at home until I get that sting of sweat in my eye. I miss the cafes and the neighborhoods. I miss the confidence that came from knowing the 50 miles surrounding your home like the back of your hand.

All of this just hit me. I felt fine earlier today while moving in. Matej helped me which was so kind of him and we had a great time eating lunch at Ruby Tuesdays. Then Meg came over and I can't believe how quickly our time together passed. Seems like a few minutes ago she was pulling up off of Farmington ave. and I was standing on the corner waving her towards a parking place. We drove around. Stopped by the campus library (which had just closed), ate some Thai food, walked around all those new places around west Hartford, went to blockbuster and rented American Psycho, watched Persepolis (which I bought her for her birthday) and then suddenly it's too late to watch American Psycho. She had to get home because she was getting too tired to drive safely. I asked her to lay with me for a few minutes and held her very close to me. I realized just how lonely I was about to be.

She's on the road now. I'm waiting for her to call to let me know shes back in Woodberry alright. I think I'll do some drawing or something. Try and make the best out of my time alone. Tomorrow will be full of errands I don't even know how to do yet.